Birth Story - Part Two

Read Part 1 of this birth story here.

I downloaded a PDF of the hospital map, then added color-coded and numbered arrows with corresponding directions for myself and Tanner and for my family – with multiple options depending on which freeway traveled and whether parking in the visitors garage or use valet.

And we still ended up in the wrong place.

We got to hospital feeling excited and weird. I felt special and important and ... weird ... walking into the hospital with my big ol' belly and a veeery slooowly mounting, surreal realization that this was really happening. We went to Labor and Delivery, which was apparently wrong. We got led to some kind of "staging" area. I don't remember what it's really called, but I think it's basically the place where they decide if you're far along enough to get a labor room or if you're just a worrisome, over eager first-time mom who gets booted out to labor some more at your house, or Starbucks or wherever.

I was placed in a room to wait for my midwife. I changed into a gown and sat on the exam table where I leaked about a gallon of green fluid. They brought me some towels because that flimsy little tissue paper stuff wasn't gonna cut it and I didn't want to slip 'n' slide off the exam table. Tanner wandered around the halls and found me a "cup" (some kind of measuring container) and some water, which I chugged to keep Ailee floating and the water works flowing.

Shortly after arriving at the hospital

A nurse took some vitals and then Candyce, the midwife on call, came to examine me. I was a little anxious because Candyce was the one midwife I didn't know very well. I'd only had one brief check-up with her. If I had been given a choice, I would not have picked her to be my midwife, simply because I didn't have much of a relationship with her, but thankfully God was in control because she ended up being such a source of strength, calmness and encouragement.

My examination proved I was at 2 cm, not effaced and a whole bunch of other mumbo jumbo I don't remember that basically meant that 12 hours after my membranes ruptured, I was still no where near ready to have the baby. Candyce knew how much I wanted a natural birth, but she had two concerns:

(1) Infection because my membranes were ruptured. Every time they "checked" me (stuck their hands up there and poked around – PAINFUL) the risk increased, so the goal was not to check me unless absolutely necessary.
(2) Meconium aspiration, where the baby breathes the meconium (feces, the green stuff that was in the fluid) into the lungs at the time of birth

Candyce knew how much I wanted a natural birth, but because of those two concerns she told me she would let me labor for 18 hours and if I didn't show signs of progress, she would induce me. That gave me about 6 more hours to try and get my body moving.

We checked into my labor room, which was very nice. I started having some regular contractions. They hurt but nothing too wild. When I wasn't having contractions or peeing green stuff, I was constantly moving to try and stimulate labor. I looked like a serious mall walker making laps around that hospital wing. After about three hours,  I started to get anxious. While my contractions were uncomfortable, I could tell they were not strong enough to make real progress. I knew my body was still in the early stages of labor. I called my friends, Summer Anderson and Summer Petty, who prayed with me over the phone that if it was God's will, my labor would progress so that I could proceed without intervention.

About three hours later, around 7 pm, Candyce came in and checked me again. I can still remember crying because it hurt so bad. I can't remember if I was still a 2 or had moved to a 3 or 4, but regardless, all signs showed not much had changed. Candyce told me she wanted to induce me. I was really heartbroken, but I agreed. In retrospect, I wish I had asked more questions. Our labor class  provided us with great conversation guides for how to make sure you understand all your options, but I didn't even think of all that stuff. I think the risk of infection because my membranes had been ruptured so long was not actually the main concern. I wish I'd asked what was the main concern. I think it was the meconium that concerned them the most, and that was why they wanted to induce after those 18 hrs. I did not research meconium aspiration beforehand and had no idea how serious it could be. I also didn't ask. If there were no meconium involved, I don't see why I couldn't have labored at home longer, not coming in until things had progressed further, even if it was 24 hours or longer after my water broke. The risk of infection would have been basically nil at home. But either way, I was there at the hospital and I just took my midwife's word for it. I trusted that she had my best interest at heart and just went with it. Next time, even though the outcome might have been the same, I will ask more questions and understand better my options.

SO, blah blah blah. I didn't get pitocin right off the bat. Instead I got this pill that is supposed to jump start things, then wear off in about 4 hours. We were hoping my body would kick in and pick up from there. At this time, my labor got stronger and more painful. I had to get strapped to some super annoying belt monitor thing. This bulky, heavy plastic box  attached to a stretchy belt and kept track of the baby's heart beat. It was uncomfortable the way it dug into my skin and since my belly was so big it kept sliding around and had to be repositioned all the time. It also meant I had to stay tethered to the monitor and had to stay in one corner of the room by my bed. (I could take it on and off to go to the bathroom.) So I walked little circles in my room and bounced around in between contractions, which were stronger now.

Prepared in my hospital bag I had: essential oils of lavender (for pain) and peppermint (for nausea). I also brought a wipes warmer and washcloths so I could soak the cloths in water and oil and use them as warm compresses. I mostly ended up sniffing the oils. I also had my iPod with a labor playlist of inspiring Christian songs, a long list of Bible verses, some art I had drawn to encourage me through labor, and some sheets with pictures of different labor positions. I also had a birth ball Candyce brought me. Standing and bending forward over the edge of the bed while while reading verses and squatting down while leaning my back against the ball, which was against the wall, while sniffing my oils helped the most.

I guess it was around midnight that they checked me again and I was only at a 4. Candyce said this wasn’t enough, and I had to get on a pitocin drip. I didn’t ask questions. I had been awake for about 24 hours at this point and I was tired. I was still having meconium fluid and it was getting darker, which I think meant the baby was continuing to have more bowel movements. Pitocin meant I was on an IV drip on a little cart. I was couldn’t walk the halls so I walked the little square in my room. I was still trying to help labor along! Most of what I had read prior to childbirth indicated that most women who get induced with pitocin end up getting an epidural, which I really didn't want. I told both Tanner and Candyce that I wanted to labor without medication after receiving the pitocin.

Long hours with little progress make husband very sleepy.

I did labor for a  while with the pitocin drip for a short while, but labor started to pick up almost immediately and move more quickly. My body didn’t have much time to adjust to the pain, so it was very intense for me. I also was very, very tired. I was doing pretty good with my pain coping, though, as long as I could get into certain positions. The only position that helped ease the pain were to stand and lean over the side of the bed or get up on the bed, get on my knees, and lean over the top of the bed, which was folded up into a sitting position. But, the baby’s heart rate dropped too low several times during contractions while I was in those positions. They told me I had on my side to stabilize the baby, and if its heart rate picked back up after a half an hour or something, I could start moving around again. Being forced to lay motionless on my side during the contractions was excruciatingly painful and because I wasn't able to move around to ease the pain, I felt very helpless and afraid. I began panicking and screaming and crying during each contraction. All the mental pain-coping methods I had learned went out the window, and I was extremely frantic. I had no idea how I could tolerate this pain – which had skyrocketed from a moderate to extreme level in a matter of a half an hour – any longer while lying still in the fetal position, and I started to feel even more afraid, especially knowing my body had a long way to go.

 I was freakin' out, y'all.

Tanner was with me this whole time, supporting me every step of the way. I think he left once to get something to eat from a vending machine. I began considering an epidural and told Tanner and Candyce. Candyce said it might not be a bad idea. She thought I had been awake for a loooong time and my body needed a chance to rest before it would progress. Tanner was so good and tried to talk me out of it. Which I love him for. All during my pregnancy, I had preached to him how I believed an epidural was not best for mommy and baby and that I really didn’t want one. I said he should try to encourage me not to get one if I say I want one. But my pain was so intense, I was so tired, and honestly, I was so confused and a little disillusioned with the turn all these events had taken. In that space and time, I truly wanted an epidural FOR REAL. When he kept asking me, “Are you sure? I’m worried you’re going to regret it. You don’t want one,” I got worried that HE was going to be disappointed in me if I did get one! I was emotional and crying. Finally I convinced him it was what I really wanted. He still seemed unsure, and I was afraid he didn’t support me. Really, he was just doing what I had asked him to do all along. It was a big emotional mess and finally we all agreed I would get an epidural.

Ugh. This is making me tired just typing it all. So I'll wrap up the rest of the story and my reflections on the whole experience next time. 

Birth Story - Part One

I  had birth plans. Lots of them. 

 None of them happened.

Well, except the whole getting the baby out of my belly part. That happened. Which is the most important part of said plan. So in that way, all's well that ends well.

The Plan

I dreamed of a birth without medical intervention – a natural childbirth that occurred without induction, pain medication, or surgical procedures. I decided on this because I thought it would be best for ME and MY baby. (You might feel differently for you and your baby. That's great!) I felt it was the healthiest option for us both and it fit into my ideals about birthing as a physical, emotional, and spiritual journey and rite of passage. I also thought that a childbirth that forced me to cope with my pain would cause me to trust in and rely on God in a way that no other experience could.

My birth went differently than I had planned in almost every way. Ironically, for this very reason I was forced to rely on God in a different and possibly more difficult (for me, the control freak) way than I had originally imagined.

I chose the UNTHealth Nurse-Midwives as my health care providers. I strongly considered a home birth, but based on some stories from friends who had to transfer to hospitals from home and because of some concerns Tanner had, I decided the Nurse Midwives were a great option. They are six women who practice traditional midwivery, but in the setting of a hospital. You can even have a water birth. However, if something goes wrong or if you decide you want medical intervention, you are already there in the hospital. Because she is also a nurse, your midwife, who you have spent the last nine months building a bond of trust with, can continue to be your health care provider. She can even scrub in and assist if you need a C-section. I was comforted knowing that if I needed medical intervention I wouldn't have to be handed over to people who didn't support or understand my desires for my birth experience.

I remember praying with Tanner in the waiting room before our meet-and-greet appointment with the Nurse Midwives and asking for God to confirm whether he wanted us to partner with these women and trust our baby's birth and my birth experience to them. The confirmation I felt during our meeting was so overwhelming. Turns out, a home birth would have been disastrous anyway considering that at the time Ailee was born, our home was in complete, floor-ripped-out renovation mode. Sawdust and nail guns shouldn't be part of anyone's birth plan, unless you're planning on giving birth to Pinocchio or something.

During my prenatal care, I worked with my midwives to make important decisions about the baby's impending birth. They were on board with all my hopes. The book I read to prepare for birth was Birthing From Within, which I recommend if you are wanting a natural childbirth. It's super tree-hugger-ish and earth-mother-ish, but it is a great preparation tool. I also took a child birth class based on Birthing From Within led by an amazing woman, Natalie Meek at Labor With Love, who took many concepts of the book and adapted them to fit them into a Christ-centered perspective. God used her as a great tool to prepare and soften my heart because when I was so rigid about my natural-childbirth dreams and philosophies, she gently reminded me that while those goals were wonderful and I should pursue them, whatever decisions I had to make to get my baby here safely and healthily were ones that could be celebrated. I was not a failure if the birth went down a path other than the one I had so carefully scripted. I needed that message in my heart. 

The Birth Begins, Sort of

My water broke at 1:00 am on June 19th, two days before my due date. This still impresses me because one of the Midwives said she thought I would not be too late or too early, but right on my due-date, give or take a couple days. Cue Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

It took me a while to realize my water had broke (Is that even correct grammar?) because I hadn't experienced any contractions yet. I woke up in the middle of the night, went to the bathroom, and when I swung my leg up to get back in bed, some fluid came out. TMI, but I had been having a little bit of incontinence in the late stages of pregnancy, so I chalked it up to that. I changed my underwear and got back in bed.

A lot of tossing and turning ensued, followed by some more fluid, another clean set of XXXXL granny panties and about 10-15 frantic minutes on my iPhone Googling the crap out of "how do I know if my water broke?" When I got up to go to the bathroom again, I had another large gush of clear fluid. I did a bunch of bizarre stuff like smelling the fluid and taking PH tests before I finally decided my water had broke and called the midwives. I know it seems dense, but I was so confused because I'd had no labor. Everything I'd read said only 10% or less of women experience their water breaking before labor starts.

Yay for being the 10%.

The Midwife on call said it sounded like my membranes had ruptured, and she encouraged me to stay at home and labor until my contractions were consistently close together and strong. I'd never get to labor at home, though.

I filled Tanner in on what was going on. I was never really able to go back to sleep after that. I mostly laid in bed and looked up stuff on the Internet. The longer I waited with no labor, the more confused and anxious I got. I also started noticing that the fluid (which was CONSTANTLY leaking from me) had a greenish tinge to it. Some more iPhone research gave me the suspicion that it was meconium staining, meaning that the baby had released a bowel movement into the amniotic fluid before birth. Another call to my midwife confirmed the likelihood of this. She didn't sound too concerned, though, and said to keep an eye on the darkness of the fluid, which at that time was a very light barely-there green.

At some point in the morning, I started having a surge of contractions close together and stronger than anything I had experienced up the that point. It was nothing compared to what I would feel later, but at that point, I didn't know what to expect! Everything Tanner and I had learned about the 5-1-1 rule (contractions are 5 minutes apart, one minute long, and last for one hour) went out the window. Being 45 minutes away from the hospital and having a friend who barely made it there in time to pop her little sucker out, Tanner was ready for us to GO! I called the after hours number, and while we waited to hear back, we got our stuff together, picked up my mom who was staying next door at our friend's house, and hit the road, JACK.

On the way, the Midwife called me back and said, "DO NOT COME TO THE HOSPITAL." It was too soon, and she was worried if I was there too early, I would not end up with the birth I wanted. We were all already in the car, though, and not wanting to waste the gas, we headed into town anyway for some health food. Since I couldn't fulfill the stereotype of the small-town girl having her water break in Walmart, ala Natalie Portman in Where the Heart Is, I figured tottering around McDonalds with a larger-than-life maxi pad full of amniotic fluid while occasionally hunching over with small contractions as I ordered a sausage biscuit that would probably make it's reprise as I pushed my baby out was a close second.

Next we headed to the car vacuum station station to clean the truck out. I had a decent contraction there when I got out of the car, and when the attendant saw the whale grimacing in the parking lot, he decided to give us a coupon for a free car wash. Gold level. I never get gold level. Yay.

Next it was back home where we installed the car seat and took the dogs for a loooong walk. My "labor" had pretty much slowed to non-existent, so I hopped up on a step stool and started painting ceiling trim.

At 1pm, 12 hours after my membranes had ruptured, we called the midwives. I updated them on the situation, also letting them know that the green tinge in my fluid had gotten a little darker. They told us to come in.

As far as the story goes, I'll end it there for now and pick it up later. It's a long (30 hour +) story.

(All the photos, except for the disgusting one of me in my pink bra, are by Recollections Photography)

Announcing Ailee Grace Haynes! 3 months later...

She's been in our lives for three months, and I think it's taken me that long to pause, take a breath and just appreciate the miracle that is our baby, Ailee Grace Haynes.

Photo by Recollections Photography

Ailee Grace was born on June 20 around 9:00 am at Harris Methodist Hospital in Fort Worth. She was delivered by Summer Latta of the UNT Nurse-Midwives Group. Our lil' booger weighed 7 lbs 14oz and was 20 inches long. In the delivery room were me (duh), Tanner, my sister, Kathleen, my nurse-midwife and another helping nurse. Waiting eagerly outside, wondering if they were having a granddaughter or grandson, were my mom and dad.

I was so happy to hear that the sweet thing kicking me in the bladder and punching me in the ribs for the last few months was a little girl. I had a feeling during the whole pregnancy that she was a she. And she was!

Photo by Recollections Photography

Boy names were a lot easier for Tanner and I to agree on for some reason, but we had girl names narrowed down to two selections and decided on Ailee Grace in the delivery room after the baby was born. Yes, no one knows how to pronounce it. She'll get over it. For the record, the "ai" makes the same sound it makes in rain, brain, aim, exclaim, maintain, etc etc.

We got the name Ailee from the Irish/Scottish name Aileen. We considered naming her Aileen and calling her Ailee, but then I thought I'd just name her what I planned on calling her. I hoped I was saving her from having to double correct on the first day of school for the rest of her life.

"It's Ai-Leen, not Eye-Leen, and, actually, I go by Ailee."

Anyway, both my sister and I have Irish Gaelic names, and I thought it would be nice to carry on the tradition because it's something my Grandpa Sullivan would have loved. Also, the name was similar to my middle name, Alene, which is the name of my Great Aunt Alene, with whom I'm very close. Tanner's Grandma Haynes, Shirley's, middle name is Aileen. Also, we just liked the way it sounded.

Meaning was also important to me. I know when your kid introduces itself for the rest of it's life, no one is going to know whether his/her name means noble warrior, fair and beautiful or toe-jam picker.  But, I do think names can be a prayer over your children and serve as a way to encourage them, especially if you share the meaning with them and remind them of it through out their life.

Aileen means "light bearer." So we pray that Ailee will bring the light of Christ into the world – into her personal relationships with friends, into her interactions with strangers she meets, into the lives of her husband and children and grandchildren if she has them, and unto the nations of the world.

Grace has so many meanings that we pray over Ailee's life. We pray that she would receive God's grace through Jesus Christ and that she would be a witness to it all her life. And, we pray that Ailee would act with grace – that she will live and walk in kindness, love and mercy.

It took me a long time to get this post written. Sort of like ***weird analogy coming up*** how it took a loooooooong time for my sweet baby girl to take the head-first plunge down the fun-filled water slide that was my aching birth canal. I plan for that – my birth story – to be my next post. I don't know when I will get that written, though; this whole baby thing is pretty demanding. For now, I guess I should go get Ailee from the couch where I propped her up to watch Real Housewives of New Jersey.

It was the only way I could keep her occupied enough for me to write! Just kidding. Maybe.

Getting Ready for Baby - Scripture for Labor/Delivery

Right now, I'm feeling Baby Haynes' little footsie test the elasticity of my skin as it presses against the top of my tummy.

I'll tell you one thing about pregnancy: It has brought me to sheer and utter awe at how stretchy the human skin is. I just hope it's as good at shrinking as it is at stretching.

Mainly, "getting ready" for Baby has meant tackling long-needed renovations to our home. These things were on the schedule to be completed months ago, but since we were tackling them DIY-style, hectic work schedules, insane travel schedules (really, what's wrong with a FALL WEDDING, people!!??), and family illnesses postponed the work. Once we (read: ME) reached about 35 weeks pregnant and saw that none of our projects had been completed, it dawned on us that something was about to hit the fan -- and let me tell you, it wasn't a bunch of daises. So, we bit the bullet and decided to pay someone to finish most of the work.

I've posted some updates on Facebook from the home reno front, and many people have responded that it's so cute how I'm "nesting." I don't know what typical nesting is supposed to look like, but I don't think it  involves ripping out all of your old house (popcorn ceiling, carpet, door and floor trim), replacing it with new stuff (hardwood wood floors, ceiling, floor, and door trim, and new ceiling texture/wood ceilings) and painting every inch of vertical, horizontal and upside down space. I feel like I'm past the whole cutesy nesting concept. I'd love to be reorganizing my kitchen cupboards and washing and folding baby clothes. But all my baby stuff is in storage in our shop and my kitchen is a main thoroughfare for paint- and mud-caked boots. But if this house project IS considered nesting ... I'm that robin with the fear of God burning in her eyes and every feather standing up on edge as she tries to build her entire nest in the middle of a rain storm 10 minutes before it's time to squeeze a watermelon-sized egg out of a grape-sized hole.

But it's all good. We can live in a teepee in the back yard if Baby comes early.

On a much more calming front. Although I'm a terrible procrastinator, I did set aside some time this week to work on some preparations for my impending labor. I made my labor playlist and downloaded it to my phone, set up a contact group so we could alert close friends and family when it's time to pop, and I gathered a collection of Bible verses to encourage and guide me through birthing. It actually took me quite a while to compile this list scripture, so I thought I'd share it. I organized  everything into categories that make sense to me:

God Makes Me Strong!

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

I can do all this through Him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Ephesians 6:10

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:29-31

But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded. 2 Chronicles 15:7

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14

Hope of the Joy to Come

A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. John 16:21

This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 18:24

Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5b

Don’t Be Afraid – God Is With Me and Will Give Me Strength and Peace

“Do not be afraid, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord. Jeremiah 1:8

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

The Lord is my light and my salvation — whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life — of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. ”Isaiah 12:2

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. Psalm 46:1-3

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:1-2

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

God Gives Comfort

I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.  Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalm 34:4-5

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. Isaiah 40:11

Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:8

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3   

Lord, you establish peace for us; all that we have accomplished you have done for us. Isaiah 26:12

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:28-29

Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer. Psalm 4:1

For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help. Psalm 22:24

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Psalm 9:9

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Psalm 91:4

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah Psalm 32:7

You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry. Psalm 10:17

Trust God

We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal. Isaiah 26:4

Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust. Psalm 40:

            He has a plan for me…

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! Psalm 139:13-17

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,  before you were born I set you apart.” Jeremiah 1:5

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord. Jeremiah 29:11-14

God Will Provide All I need

God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Isaiah 58:11

God Is Faithful

“Listen to me, Erin, you whom I have upheld since your birth, and have carried since you were born. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am he who will sustain you.  I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” Isaiah 46:3-4

God Will Fight for Me and Protect Me

The Lord is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him. The Lord is a warrior; the Lord is his name. Exodus 15:2-3

The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. Psalm 34:7

Bless Your Child

But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children— with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. Psalm 103:17-18

 I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord. 1 Samuel 1:27-38

Bring Glory to God

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things … and the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8-9

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. Psalm 46:10

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 1 Peter 5:8-9

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4

Not So Breaking News Flash

September 2011, I received some news. Two lines on an early pregnancy test I took at 5 a.m. (That equals PREGNANT, for those wondering.)

We had been trying since April. During that time, I had dreamed of the elaborate, sentimental, meaningful way I might reveal a positive pregnancy to Tanner. Some kind of greeting card to Dad. A father and child figurine or bronze. A fortune inserted in a fortune cookie. An interpretive dance to "The Circle of Life" from the Lion King.

But when those two pink lines materialized, that all went out the window. Boom! Bathroom door flew open. Light flooded our bed and pierced Tanner's previously peacefully slumbering eyeballs.

"Tanner! I'm pregnant."

Not the romantic scene I had envisioned, but, still, memorable. Anyways, a lot has happened since then. I'm 15 wks, or 4 months, pregnant. A lot of the expectations I had for my pregnancy -- just like expectations for life in general and for this blog, for example -- went out the window when an insane work schedule and overwhelming morning sickness simultaneously took over my life. The journaling, pregnancy-book reading, prenatal yoga-ing and all the other plans I had imagined for my ultimate, total, PERFECT (that's reasonable) pregnancy experience sort of melted into a puddle of... well, you can imagine.

Now, things have started to slow down at work, and as I've entered my second trimester (weeks 15-27 or months 4-6), I've found myself with some extra time and energy to do so many of the things I had hoped I would do during my first pregnancy.

Exercise. A four-mile walk seems like the ideal first pregnancy workout after weeks of vomitting and laying immobile on the couch/bed/floor/back of my truck, right? I had a great walk with the dogs, but was amazed at how out of shape I felt! It's amazing that just months earlier I could run three times that distance without stopping! This time, I had to pack a backpack of snacks and water and stop at every since bench on the trail to rest. I felt embarrassingly sore the next day. OK, I'm still sore four days later.

Journal. Over Christmas, my mom brought the baby book and keepsake box she kept during her pregnancy with me. I remember loving to go through these things when I was little – flipping through pages of Mom's belly photos, news paper clippings (Splash was the top movie the day I was born!) and notes and pulling out the envelopes with my first tooth and lock of hair. I still love reading all she wrote in her beautiful cursive handwriting. It reminded me that, not only am I a writer and crave writing about my memories, feelings, thoughts, and experiences, but also what a treasure it will be for our child to someday read these things. I also received a pregnancy journal from out neighbor that helped jump start my own writing. I'm not going to waste any time feeling guilty about all the weeks of writing I missed out on. Instead, it's full steam ahead from here. Bring on the belly photos and documentation of every burp, baby movement and emotional meltdown!

Reading. An extended vacation between Christmas and New Years gave me some treasured time to catch up on my pregnancy-related reading – much if it I did camped out by our neighbor's pond with the dogs exploring nearby. (As the distant, non-stop whine of Tanner's tin cutter lulled the neighborhood into a dream sleep/roaring headache.)

Despite being slow to the trigger on lots of my preggo plans, there was ONE dream I held true to. A few days after I found out I was pregnant, I wrote a letter to Baby Haynes. I happened to write it on here and save it. And this is that letter:


Dear Baby,

I am so thankful to be writing to you right now. I want to say that I can't believe it. But I do believe. I believe God is greater than I can imagine. I believe He blesses me beyond measure. I believe He never forsakes me. And I believe He heard my prayers, my prayers for you! Baby, I have been praying for you for months. Before you were born, before you were even conceived, I loved you with all my heart. And I can tell you right now, before I've even met you, before you've taken shape, I will love you forever. There is nothing you can do to stop me from loving you.

Right now, you're only the size of a poppy seed. This will be hard to imagine once you are here and in our arms. Even now, as you're just a tiny ball of cells, God has numbered your days. He has a plan and a purpose for you. For that reason, I can carry you and embark on this pregnancy without fear or worry. My God has this all under control. He will work all things to bring glory to Himself and to be for my good, because He loves me. I pray that you will receive Him in all His grace and love, and seek His will for your life. I will always pray this for you.

Your Dad and I have been trying to get pregnant since about April. At that time, God helped us to realize some important truths in a deeper way. First, not one day is promised, and second, while we're here on earth, life is all about relationships, and some of the most treasured are with our family. We realized that we had enjoyed a year and a half of marriage together, a season for ourselves to spend time together loving life as husband and wife, but we were ready to live for more than just ourselves. We were ready and eager to start a family, to experience that blessing and enjoy that one-of-a-kind relationship. We were ready to pour our lives and our love into a child. We had no more fear of, "What will life be like? Can we handle the change? Will we be able to do the things we used to enjoy with a child in tow? Are we ready?" Instead, our hearts and minds changed and we were ready for you! And now you're on your way. I love you so much already.

For several months, we tried to conceive. At first, this was a very enjoyable process, especially for Dad. (Someday you will be old enough to think this is TMI and superly, seriously gross.) Five months passed, and we did not conceive, but people all around me were getting pregnant like rabbits. I started to to feel frustrated. God reached out to me through prayer time on my long runs (I was training for a half-marathon). I realized that God's will was my true desire. Looking at other people and longing to experience what they were experiencing was NOT my calling. That was God's will for their life, not mine. I realized that I craved His plan for my own life. I would never be fulfilled seeking a plan other than God's. Although I still had moments of struggle, He gave me a great peace, a peace like I have never experienced before. And then, after I turned over my plans to Him and trusted Him, He gave me you!

My mom and dad came up to visit last weekend to help us work on the house and to (belatedly) celebrate our 2-year wedding anniversary. I took an early pregnancy test before they got here, and it was negative. We had a great weekend walking the dogs (your "brothers," Happy and Digger), running errands around town, going out to lunch at Yesterday's in Weatherford and dinner at Eddie V's in downtown Fort Worth, going to church and getting supplies and getting started on the wood planks for the ceiling. I talked with Mom about how I was not able to get pregnant yet, and she told me that she and Dianne had been praying for me. Mom and Dad left on Monday morning, and Wednesday morning, on a whim, I took another test. It was positive! I was so used to seeing that one line, that when I saw the second one developing, I started shaking. I burst from the bathroom, throwing an unwelcome beam of light on your Dad's face, and told him, "Tanner, I'm pregnant!" He said simply (and groggily), "Are you really?" And it went from there. All the way on the way to work, I thanked God for you. My prayers were answered.

I told a couple best friends, also mothers, who are already lifting you up and helping me by giving my pregnancy information. I'm not supposed to eat lunch meat?? Weird. Next, we will tell your Grandma and Grandpa Haynes and Sullivan and Mindy and Tye and Kathleen. I know you will be a blessing to our whole family. Your very existence will bring so much joy. Baby, you are already surrounded by such love.

For now, we are going to keep working away on our fixer-upper home. Getting it ready for your arrival in June of next year! We have a lot to do. New floors, new ceiling, new bathroom, kitchen, everything! But the thing that truly makes a house a home is already there -- love. For now, I'm feeling different. I don't know if it's the power of suggestion, or what, but I feel VERY tired. The baby website Jenna told me to check out says you are the size of a poppy seed, well I feel like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz after she ran through the field of poppies. (Kathleen will make sure you know this reference very well).

Just remember, Baby, the depth of love your Dad and I have for you, as strong as it is, it pales in comparison to the love of God. We can love you only because He first loved us. And He loves you, His precious creation, so much!

Love,

Your Mom!

Say What?

This blog has not quite been what I've imagined it would be. I thought I would keep my family and friends posted on our wildly exciting and entertaining lives as newlyweds (and possibly entertain hapless strangers who stumble upon this website) at least on a weekly basis, maybe even more frequently. I also thought it would serve as a digital diary for us and our future clan of 2-8 children (that is either two-point-eight or two-to-eight, depending on who you ask).

Instead, it's been a proverbial catch-all bib (you know, the rubber ones with the little pocket scoop on the bottom) for my random life-update, recipe-detailing, run-documenting, story-telling and opinion-sharing vomit. The word-spewage has been much like a stomach bug -- unpredictable, My posts have ranged in frequency from once every four months to several within a few days' time. The blog is far less painful and unpleasant than a stomach bug, although it has felt like an unwelcome burden at times. It is, albeit, a burden I signed up for. But it's kind of like that yellow curry that at the time sounded like it would be great followed by chocolate ice cream and and wine and the Boy Scout brand cheesey popcorn... not so much.

Really, I like blogging, but I'm infrequent. There have been lots of adventures over the past two years I'd have liked to chronicle, old stories I'd like to tell, delicious recipes, home improvement projects and running progress I'd like to share and deep thoughts I'd like to bestow. I have lots of great ideas, but I simply lack time. Blogging goes to the bottom of the to-do list after a full day of writing for my magazine at work.

I vacillate between backtracking and logging all the vacations, dates, milestones and STUFF (possibly in private posts, to spare you the horror) or just starting fresh and doing better from this point on. But I've recently reached a LONG OVERDUE epiphany that needs to be sorted out before I can commit to anything, or even move off of this couch, really. Good thing I poured a very full glass of wine

My epiphany is: I cannot be a full-time journalist, ride horses, train for a marathon, keep an organic vegetable garden, maintain a blog, landscape our house, make a quilt, cook new recipes, do yoga, clean house like a German maniac, train a gun dog and remodel our house all a the same time. I canNOT do it all, and I feel like the little girl who's meanie-butt parents are forcing her to choose EITHER ballet or horseback riding, but NOT both. How rude!

As I ponder my life's course through a minefield of hobbies, I leave you with some profound images.

Yes, that is a fever blister that looks like a soul patch.

About to get creamed in dodge ball.



My Periodic Table of Elements shirt, signed by Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Radioactive elements glow in the dark. Duh.

Eldorado: The Place to Be!

I would like to tell you more about the West Texas town of Eldorado, where Tanner was born and raised.


Let’s start with the facts. Eldorado is the county seat of Schleicher County. Eldorado is the only town in Schleicher County. Eldorado is the best town in Schleicher County! Boo-ya!

The town sits at the top of the Edwards plateau (Welcome to Eldorado: Top of the Divide Elevation 2,439!), and it’s surrounded by plenty of beautiful West Texas landscape -- and deer, lots of 'em. The proof is in the bar ditch, on the side of the road, in the middle of the road and on grill guards, in bits and pieces. The proof is also in the hunters who flock there during deer season.

About 1,800 people live in Eldorado. For comparison, my high school in Katy, Texas, has about 1,100 students in each graduating class. But size is not everything. It’s about personality! Or maybe I should say it's about THE personalities. A large part of what makes Eldorado great are the people.

Tanner (left) with Matt, Ross and Andrew

Most of Tanner's childhood friends are still his closest and most loyal friends today. Built on a foundation of shared experiences, faith, heart-to-hearts and plenty of mudding, hunting, bbq-ing, road trips and farting competitions, those friendships that have survived going off to different colleges, getting married, having babies and settling down in various big cities and small towns are priceless. Relationships like those are one of life's greatest treasures, and for Tanner, those treasures began and grew in his home town.

Eldorado Eagles - Class of 2002!

Eldorado was small and safe, so boys could be wild, adventurous and out on their own without parents worrying. It was remote and and surrounded by rugged, beautiful country, so it was the perfect place for hunting, off-road excursions, swimming-hole trips, and camping. It was tight-knit, a real community, so that your friends' parents simply became your second parents, letting you sleepover and raid their pantry, carting you around and cheering you on at games (or complimenting the "interesting" things you made in welding class, in Tanner's and Jason's cases).

Scott (left), Andrew and Tanner head off on a road trip

Growing up in Eldorado was like growing up surrounded by your extended family. It's an extended family that celebrates with you or takes care of you when your struggling. It's a family that follows you even when you leave Eldorado. It's a family welcomes your wives, husbands and children with open arms.

One big family

I love Eldorado because it had a huge part in making Tanner who he is, and I love who he is! Outdoorsy, country, adventurous, fearless, mechanical, tough, fiercely loyal, loving, hard working and with a great sense of humor and passion for life!

I love Eldorado because Tanner's friends became such an important part of my life. My best friend, Summer, introduced me to Tanner after she began dating Andrew, one of Tanner's best Eldo buds. Summer and Andrew got married two years before us, are expecting a baby, and despite the fact that they live in Colorado and we don't see them as often as we'd like, Tanner and I could probably say there are few people on earth we feel closer to. Andrew's mom, Liz, also helped me plan my wedding, and his dad, Andy, married me and Tanner.

Tanner and I with Andrew and Summer

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. It doesn't end there or anywhere near it! Tanner lived with Andrew, Jason, Thomas and Scott all through college. The stories of Jason and Tanner together as little boys are hilarious, and those two are so alike, it's scary. Jason and Tanner have inhaled welding fumes side-by-side for years, and now they work side-by-side in the oilfield at the same company! Jason and his wife, Susannah, are two of our go-to people in Weatherford for everything from a fun night out to "Can you please feed the horses?" And we know we even could on Jason's parent's, who live close by, for a favor anytime if needed to.

Then

And now

Although Thomas passed away in 2005, I feel like he is with us both everyday. I can't imagine my life without his family, the Ballew family, in it, and I love popping over to see Ray and Debbie -- and which ever kiddo happens to be in town -- most every time we go to Eldo.

Andrea, Tanner and Thomas in college

With Debbie and Ray at my bridal shower, hosted by the First Presbyterian Church

I could go on an on. From Wesley and Matt meeting us out at the River House whenever we're in New Braunfels to catching up with Jeff and his beautiful new wife, Lori, at Summer's baby shower in Katy to random visits from Tana or facebook-ing with Hallie, the people of this lil' West Texas town have become such a part of my heart.

But that's all from my perspective. And this is supposed to be a newlywed blog. Contrary to how it may appear at times, I am in fact not married to myself. Ha! I have heard COUNTLESS Eldo memories, recollections, tall tales and highly entertaining stories from Tanner over the six years we have been together. On a recent road trip to none other than Eldorado, I got Tanner started on the subject of home sweet home, then pulled out my laptop and transcribed as he talked. I've done it a few time since then, and I'm putting together a nice compilation of Eldorado stories and childhood memories that I plan to share on my our blog.

Be prepared! And keep an eye out for Ye Old Eldorado Stories, because they're good... and the pictures, they're even better!